PJAM3 Philosophical Tragedies

I'm actually taking the Coaster from Downtown San Diego up to Oceanside and then walking from Oceanside, CA to PB(Pacific Beach) and back to my home. Around a 40 mile walk. Should be fun. I was going to walk from my place up to Oceanside but found out the Coaster stops running around 645pm... I wasn't going to make it up there by then so I had to change my plans. Nothing like being persistent I guess. Now I must not miss that Coaster ride which costs like $6.50, not so bad.

PJAM3's blog was down for quite awhile but now it's back in business. I'm going to revamp certain things and change the theme and all but until them, check out Sunny in San Diego. It's another blog I"m working on now.

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I've been busy and really haven't been in the mood to write much. Too much work, too much drama, too many clubs, too much traveling, too much exercising, too much running, too much partying, too much of this and that and rarely do I relax. I'm out having fun most of the time. Got into some trouble some of the time. Met some interesting people, met some not so interesting people.

My roommate has been a great friend. Some of my other friends have been great as well. And there is this one girl I met a few months back whom I still sort of talk to off and on, well she's been a good friend. I don't know what it is about her but for whatever reason most other females I meet just aren't like her. However that is one of the problems. I like meeting other girls all the time. Plus I'm not sure where I stand with her or what we are at this point. We are sort of friends but we don't hang out or anything or talk all the time. We do chat now and again, maybe at least once or twice a week. She doesn't take any of my shit thats for sure. Which is kind of cool. She was mad at me though cause I went hiking by myself in the middle of nowhere for like 2 days.. It's a no no in the hiking/camping world.. There were other things as well like telling me I should start out small in the racing, biking, swimming stuff. I was going hardcore when I never even done one before.. The problem was I had no comebacks. Everything she said made sense and rung true. All i had were lame excuses really. And she told me she cared about me and didn't want to see me get hurt. Blah blah blah, not sure why she would care about me at this point as I don't think she really knows me and like I said we've hung out a couple of times over the past few months but it's been over a month since we last seen one another. I have no clue really what to think. I'm glad I met her and sometimes I wish her and I would spend more time together. But at the same time I like going out and meeting new people and in all honesty I'm probably afraid to get really close to anybody at this point.

Who knows. I guess we met at the wrong place at the wrong time I guess. I'm surprised she still talks to me after everything thats gone down the past few months. I really have no clue what to think at this point. I do like her but I'm not sure she really likes me for one, well she does care about me but, who knows, and for two I am enjoying the single life for the first time in years. Two edged sword I guess. But it sucks because sometimes you meet a person who is far different than most of the other fly by night people you meet. And it's just one of those wrong place at the wrong time things. And sometimes it feels like most of the things in my life have been wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know.

Another weekend and another story. I won't say that much but put it this way. My friend and I went down to Hollywood to celebrate his boys 30th birthday. Fun times at a place called Kress on Hollywood Blvd. I even got some actresses number after chatting with her for a moment. I dont think she's in any big movies though so it is what it is. Anyway after the night ended my friend and I go to get some pizza. The rest of the crew, about 15 others, were still back at the club. Anyway some people started talking crap, one guy charged my buddy, called him the n-work or something and then the one girl with the other guy started pushing me and shouting shit at me. I told them that they aren't good looking and to just walk away. The one dude sucker punches me with something and slices my nose open. After that it was me and my buddy vs 8 other guys.

2 vs 8. Yeah every time we had one guy down there were 2 more on our backs. It was a brawl with things thrown, fists thrown, and then those punks ran off. 8 of them ran off like cowards. I guess we were lucky they didn't have guns or anything though, but at the end of the day my buddy and I beat down a crew of 8. Yeah how's that for an ego. Then the police showed up but since those other losers were MIA and long gone, nothing they could do I guess. What a night. A night in Hollywood.

I went down to Santa Monica, CA yesterday to go to some meet and greet Hollywood party. I made a few contacts and met some interesting people. It wasn't a bad crowd but the drinks were like 10 bucks a pop and the 'free' food was appetizers that aren't exactly healthy. Anyway later on I went out for some dinner with a couple of ladies I met, cool people, and it was a weird place. It was located on the 3rd Street Promenade and the menu was like a newspaper/magazine. Literally this place had breakfast, mexican, italian, pizza, pasta, seafood, burgers, chicken, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, hot dogs, bagels, ice cream, alcohol, tvs with sports on them, and more. It was crazy. Some place called Barney's Beanery.. The food was good. I had a corn been reuben and a water. I forget what they had. They both are originally from the South East.

Anyway it was a good time and met some great people. Of course also met those people who are just looking to get into the hollywood industry and have nothing to talk about but "who are you and what can you do for me." Not much of a conversation with those kind of people. At least not good ones.

Then on the way back from dinner some blonde woman walked by and I thought nothing of it. She was cute but every other woman in California is a cute blonde. Suddenly the one girl turned around and said that's the girl from Knocked Up. Not the Greys Anatomy girl but the roommate from Knocked up. The one with the sometimes annoying vice. I don't know her name. In fact I didn't even know she literally bumped into me and walked right by me. So there is my celebrity story of the weekend. The Knocked up chic bumped into me and I didn't even know who the hell she was. That's kind of funny. If that girl I was with didn't know who she was, I would have never known.

It's been a long busy week at work. Hey I might play poker for charity next week. That girl that I sort of liked is organizing it or has organized it. Her and I aren't really talking. I think she thinks I'm nuts and way too crazy at this point in time. Who knows. Hopefully tons of people show up to support a good cause though.

On another note, here is a new quote of the day for me....

" It is easy to go down into Hell; night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide; but to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air - there's the rub, the task. "

Written/said by
Virgil, Aeneid
Roman epic poet (70 BC - 19 BC)

I went hiking this weekend up Mt. Woodson, got sun burned, then I spent Saturday hanging in PB(Pacific Beach) and MB(Mission Beach). Got to walk about 10 miles and see all the bikini clad females walking around. It was like summer time in the middle of winter. Was a relaxing great weekend. But now I'm all sun burned.

I attended Mardi Gras in San Diego last night. It was quite interesting. A lot of drunk people, a lot of girls flashing for beads, and a lot of crazy people. There was also some dancing. Funny thing is I didn't drink a damn thing. Didn't feel like it and I had to work today. I did do a ton of dancing though. It was fun, but crazy. On another note seems soon to be ex lost one of her friends in SD because she sort of did something with her husband she shouldn't have. I don't know the whole story or what happened, but I guess it is what it is. She's also moving back to Texas to live with her dad for awhile. I guess she needs to get her head on straight or something. She said she'll be moving back to SD in the fall to attend college, but who knows and who really cares. I need to concentrate on myself these days and stop worrying about what happens to others.

At some point you have to look in the mirror and realize something is wrong. You have to stop pretending like everything is fine. You have to stop lying to yourself that you are ok. Over the past few months I've been lying and pretending. Even a night spent in jail couldn't slow down the path of destruction. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore and it seems my mind is in shambles at times. I don't even remember people I meet the day before. It's happened on elevators, it's happened in bars and clubs, it's happened everywhere. That's not good. Not good at all.

At first it was just about having fun, getting some numbers, making a certain person jealous I guess. Then it became about anger and beating myself up, getting into fights, and who knows what else. Then I don't know what it became or really what happened. At some point I guess it was about making a certain other person jealous but I don't even know if that were true. I mean at one point there were no feelings for her anymore, yeah there was care and yes I still tried to be her friend and help her out, but there was no connection anymore. Not after everything she did or tried to do to me over those months. I don't know. Maybe I just wanted to feel numb. Maybe I just wanted to ignore everything. Maybe I didn't want to deal with the pain, the shock, the saddness, or whatever else was thrown my way.

It was a self destructive path with no end in sight that's for sure. When a night in jail doesn't make you look at things differenty, what the hell ever will? I have a problem of over analyzing everything. I have an issue with thinking way too much about everything and anything. I'm always thinking and I've always been a person who had problems sleeping. Sometimes I had to wake up to write or just think or do something like go to the gym at 2am. So over the past few months having that mentality wasn't something I wanted to deal with. I could not handle thinking about things all the time. What could've I done differently. What could've I done to save the marriage. What could've I done to end the marriage. Why the hell I didn't see these things. What I could have done..what I could have done..what I could have done I don't know. Nothing different really. It is what it is and what happened happened. The way it happened is what hurt. Relationnships end and you move on. Maybe you remain friends, maybe you don't. And maybe that was what really killed me. It made me doubt myself, doubt everything about what I've been doing. I mean you spend 6+ years with somebody, support them in every way, and then they try to destroy you in every way imaginable, it's goinig to take it's toll. I didn't think it would bother me that much. I'm always one of those people who roll with the punches. I move on. I survive. I've been good like that. But this was different. It wasn't that easy to just move on and roll with the punches. Especially considering we were still living together. Especially considering she still wasn't working or had any money. Which meant she went out with this other guy or who knows who else and I was still supporting her. And after awhile it wasn't much about the relationship ending but how she was doing everything in her power to get at me. I'm the one who got screwed over yet she was the one punishing me. I don't know. It is what it is I guess.

So I guess over time I figured nobody would like me normal anyway. The doubt factor. So most of the numbers I received was at clubs and bars. Half of them I don't even remember. So why the hell am I writing all this crap now... Well I think this weekend was different. I hung out with somebody who for whatever reason, seemed different. She wasn't like most of the other girls I met. I don't really want to like anybody at this point but I started to like her. Yeah I don't know her but it's one of those things where maybe a friendship develops, maybe something more, who knows. Sometimes it's just about meeting cool good people and seeing where it goes. Maybe it goes nowhere. Maybe it goes somewhere. I asked her to hang out one night. Of course that night was the happy hour I set up for some of my co-workers and others. And yeah I wasn't exactly in the best of conditions when she showed up. I honestly didn't think she would show up. But even after all that she wanted to hang out the next night. We had fun but I was probably worse that night then the night before. Essentially the two times we hung out I was not exactly in the best of mindsets. Great first impressions. I think she was pissed or thought I was a mess. Who knows. I liked talking to her. But I guess I blew that one. She probably thinks I'm one big mess. Her friend asked me yesterday "If I'm always like that" and said "your destroying your mind and body." Maybe I am. Maybe I don't care. But I do care. Maybe I just need to sort things out. I don't know.

And maybe that's why I'm thinking again today about things. Maybe I need to come to grips with things. Maybe I need to find some new hobbies. I don't know. It is what it is and where I go from here is up in the air. I'll be fine. I've always been. I roll with the punches, even if it took longer this time than before. You have to be able to wake up in the morning and see yourself for who you really are. And most of the time I'm a good person who cares too much about other people and doesn't like to sugar coat things. I put it all out there for people to see. If they don't like me for me, then oh well. Its time I woke up and stopped beating myself up. It's time I woke up and stopped destroying myself. I need to clear my mind. Clear my head. And live.

I'm going to head over to Cowles Mountain today. There are a few hiking trails that are calling my name. I have to bring plenty of water but it's not that bad outside. Probably like 60 degrees. Should be fun with some cool scenery. It's not that far from downtown and the elevation is about 1600 feet. My camera was stolen or disappeared awhile ago so I have to use my video camera. I haven't used that in a long time. Lots of drama going on and just haven't had the time to use it. I'll see if I can post some stuff up and talk about the hike later. Taking a Hike up Cowles Mountain is a nice way to spend Saturday Afternoon.